Hello all. I want to apologize in the beginning because this is going to be a long post. If you're up for it and actually get to the end, hopefully there's something in here to help you or someone you care about if they're having a hard time.
This time of year is kind of a difficult one at times. It's also a very busy time for us. Before I get to the reasons behind the challenges, let me give you some background:
So for the first 25 years of my life there was someone that I had the privilege of knowing. Even though that might seem like a long time, I really was only close with this person for maybe the first 12 years of that 25. We were best friends. We would play in the sandbox together, with LEGOs, sports, and whatever other things were around. Even if they weren't play things we'd play with them.
I remember playing outside and pretending to be this or that. I remember terrorizing babysitters with him, getting into trouble, messing up bedrooms to the point of not being able to see the floor. A lot of good memories. I also remember learning that he was born a little different. While he would run and jump and throw and play and have fun doing it, his heart didn't agree with it much. In between all the wild and crazy things we did, there were times that he would have to go to the hospital for tests. Sometimes he'd be there for a few hours and be back home playing and other times he'd be there for days.
While he was away I never paid it much thought because he would always come back and we'd keep having fun. Then one day I remember him coming home and he couldn't play the same way anymore. No more running around, no more rough playing, no more getting into trouble. He had dreams of being a quarterback, but those dreams would never, could never happen. As he would spend more time at the hospital, my best friend and I began to drift apart. It was never on purpose, mind you. I would visit him and we would play video games in the hospital room, but while he was there and I was home I still played and did things. It actually got to the point where we became almost strangers. Then things changed again.
My friend was told that if something didn't change, not only would he physically not be able to do the same things, but if something didn't happen soon, he wouldn't even be around to try. Even though we had grown apart, that was hard. To be told, "Well, you're pretty much confined to the house or sitting outside." We would still try to include him and have him play all-time quarterback that couldn't be rushed, but it wasn't the same.
It was even harder for him. He had literally a handful of pills to take everyday. For adults that's rough, but for a kid to do that at age 10 - life can be agonizing. Especially when some of those drugs cause embarrassing physical changes like puffing up like a chipmunk or having more facial hair than most men do but only being in high school. To make life even better (note the sarcasm) unfeeling teenagers were quick to make sure my friend never forgot about his looks.
He did have some good friends that helped him get through things, but I'm ashamed to say I wasn't one of them. We had grown too far apart. I went from feeling bad for him to being annoyed at his differences. It hurts to remember that, but that's the way it was. The thing that was wrong with my former best friend is that he had a broken heart. After 3 surgeries to install pacemakers to keep his heart going, he needed a transplant. That was a long few months for all of us.
Eventually he was blessed to get a matching donor. New life was breathed into my friend and with it new hope for me. But on finding out that he still couldn't have as much fun as I wanted to, I was too selfish to adapt. Yes we would still play video games and yes we would do some things together, but it was never the same. I was quick to get mad at him, slow to understand his state. At 25 years old, his mind was like a 12 year old. Adolescent, curious, not able to comprehend complex ideas. I should have taken this time to help him, but I didn't.
Then one day, early in the morning, my friend fell down the stairs because he blacked out. Nobody knew why so he was sent to the hospital. He was observed for a few days and everyone's attitude was, "He's been here before, he'll be out soon." In fact, he was ready to be discharged, then the doctor's put an urgent stop to that and he was put back in ICU. That night we were told that his new heart of 14 years was dying. His body was shutting down and their main priority was to get him through the night. Talk about a blow to the heart, literally and figuratively.
We went from life-as-usual to one of our own possibly not being here for another day. In his mindset he didn't fully understand what was happening, so his mom had to explain everything. For the next few hours nothing good happened except them being able to take his pain away. On May 13th, 2008 at around 1 p.m., my childhood best friend passed away with his family in the room. I'm sure you've guessed by now, but that friend was my brother Justin. At 26, his body said, "I'm done."
Why would I write all of this, you ask? Well, to go back to the beginning, this is a busy time of year for us. First, with Memorial day approaching, we get the chance to remember those that were close to us that we lost. Second, May 13th is the anniversary of the day I got home from and LDS mission to West Virginia. Third, it was right before Mother's Day. And last, but most important, it was the 3rd anniversary of me marrying my beautiful wife and new best friend. So this time of year is bittersweet.
The main reason I'm writing this is to let you know that things do get better. While it may seem like the whole world should stop and mourn with you, take comfort in knowing that it doesn't always hurt as bad. I have absolute faith that I'll get to see my brother again, but this time without a broken heart. The other reason I'm writing is to let you know the mistakes I made because I was too selfish to care about someone close to me. Make sure that those in your life that you care about stay close to you and work to make sure you still care about them just as much. While I would have beat up anyone that said anything about or to Justin to hurt him, I wasn't a very good friend.
My hope is that you can find comfort knowing that you aren't alone in losing a loved one, others know how you feel. But I also hope that you can be maybe a little inspired to be a better person than me. To make better choices than me. We are all given the opportunity to be in people's lives for a reason. That reason might be to offer comfort, or be a friend, or help them, maybe to make them laugh, or teach a principle. It might be something as simple as being the one that says hi every day. No matter what the reason, make sure you are always your best self.
We'll see our loved ones again. We'll get to talk to them, hug them, remember good and bad times. But do that while you and they are here. Don't wait like me and have a lot of I-wish-I-would-haves, make I'm-glad-I-dids. My biggest hope and one of the things I'm looking forward to is seeing Justin again and apologizing to him for being selfish. I hope he will forgive me, and in the meantime I'm going to work to make sure I don't have to ever hope for forgiveness again. Always be your best self.
(Edited for clarity)
This time of year is kind of a difficult one at times. It's also a very busy time for us. Before I get to the reasons behind the challenges, let me give you some background:
So for the first 25 years of my life there was someone that I had the privilege of knowing. Even though that might seem like a long time, I really was only close with this person for maybe the first 12 years of that 25. We were best friends. We would play in the sandbox together, with LEGOs, sports, and whatever other things were around. Even if they weren't play things we'd play with them.
I remember playing outside and pretending to be this or that. I remember terrorizing babysitters with him, getting into trouble, messing up bedrooms to the point of not being able to see the floor. A lot of good memories. I also remember learning that he was born a little different. While he would run and jump and throw and play and have fun doing it, his heart didn't agree with it much. In between all the wild and crazy things we did, there were times that he would have to go to the hospital for tests. Sometimes he'd be there for a few hours and be back home playing and other times he'd be there for days.
While he was away I never paid it much thought because he would always come back and we'd keep having fun. Then one day I remember him coming home and he couldn't play the same way anymore. No more running around, no more rough playing, no more getting into trouble. He had dreams of being a quarterback, but those dreams would never, could never happen. As he would spend more time at the hospital, my best friend and I began to drift apart. It was never on purpose, mind you. I would visit him and we would play video games in the hospital room, but while he was there and I was home I still played and did things. It actually got to the point where we became almost strangers. Then things changed again.
My friend was told that if something didn't change, not only would he physically not be able to do the same things, but if something didn't happen soon, he wouldn't even be around to try. Even though we had grown apart, that was hard. To be told, "Well, you're pretty much confined to the house or sitting outside." We would still try to include him and have him play all-time quarterback that couldn't be rushed, but it wasn't the same.
It was even harder for him. He had literally a handful of pills to take everyday. For adults that's rough, but for a kid to do that at age 10 - life can be agonizing. Especially when some of those drugs cause embarrassing physical changes like puffing up like a chipmunk or having more facial hair than most men do but only being in high school. To make life even better (note the sarcasm) unfeeling teenagers were quick to make sure my friend never forgot about his looks.
He did have some good friends that helped him get through things, but I'm ashamed to say I wasn't one of them. We had grown too far apart. I went from feeling bad for him to being annoyed at his differences. It hurts to remember that, but that's the way it was. The thing that was wrong with my former best friend is that he had a broken heart. After 3 surgeries to install pacemakers to keep his heart going, he needed a transplant. That was a long few months for all of us.
Eventually he was blessed to get a matching donor. New life was breathed into my friend and with it new hope for me. But on finding out that he still couldn't have as much fun as I wanted to, I was too selfish to adapt. Yes we would still play video games and yes we would do some things together, but it was never the same. I was quick to get mad at him, slow to understand his state. At 25 years old, his mind was like a 12 year old. Adolescent, curious, not able to comprehend complex ideas. I should have taken this time to help him, but I didn't.
Then one day, early in the morning, my friend fell down the stairs because he blacked out. Nobody knew why so he was sent to the hospital. He was observed for a few days and everyone's attitude was, "He's been here before, he'll be out soon." In fact, he was ready to be discharged, then the doctor's put an urgent stop to that and he was put back in ICU. That night we were told that his new heart of 14 years was dying. His body was shutting down and their main priority was to get him through the night. Talk about a blow to the heart, literally and figuratively.
We went from life-as-usual to one of our own possibly not being here for another day. In his mindset he didn't fully understand what was happening, so his mom had to explain everything. For the next few hours nothing good happened except them being able to take his pain away. On May 13th, 2008 at around 1 p.m., my childhood best friend passed away with his family in the room. I'm sure you've guessed by now, but that friend was my brother Justin. At 26, his body said, "I'm done."
Why would I write all of this, you ask? Well, to go back to the beginning, this is a busy time of year for us. First, with Memorial day approaching, we get the chance to remember those that were close to us that we lost. Second, May 13th is the anniversary of the day I got home from and LDS mission to West Virginia. Third, it was right before Mother's Day. And last, but most important, it was the 3rd anniversary of me marrying my beautiful wife and new best friend. So this time of year is bittersweet.
The main reason I'm writing this is to let you know that things do get better. While it may seem like the whole world should stop and mourn with you, take comfort in knowing that it doesn't always hurt as bad. I have absolute faith that I'll get to see my brother again, but this time without a broken heart. The other reason I'm writing is to let you know the mistakes I made because I was too selfish to care about someone close to me. Make sure that those in your life that you care about stay close to you and work to make sure you still care about them just as much. While I would have beat up anyone that said anything about or to Justin to hurt him, I wasn't a very good friend.
My hope is that you can find comfort knowing that you aren't alone in losing a loved one, others know how you feel. But I also hope that you can be maybe a little inspired to be a better person than me. To make better choices than me. We are all given the opportunity to be in people's lives for a reason. That reason might be to offer comfort, or be a friend, or help them, maybe to make them laugh, or teach a principle. It might be something as simple as being the one that says hi every day. No matter what the reason, make sure you are always your best self.
We'll see our loved ones again. We'll get to talk to them, hug them, remember good and bad times. But do that while you and they are here. Don't wait like me and have a lot of I-wish-I-would-haves, make I'm-glad-I-dids. My biggest hope and one of the things I'm looking forward to is seeing Justin again and apologizing to him for being selfish. I hope he will forgive me, and in the meantime I'm going to work to make sure I don't have to ever hope for forgiveness again. Always be your best self.
(Edited for clarity)
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